Women

Why do women say these things?

It's 2010, and men still have questions about women.

It's 2010, and men still have questions about women.

Even with all the unwanted help from being forced to watch daytime TV, or all that misguided help from Men's Health, Maxim, FHM and all those other rags, we still have questions about you.

Why do women ask us if they look fat in certain clothing? They say they want the truth from us, but do they want the real truth? Like Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" Or do they want a politician's truth: "Read my lips: no new taxes!"

If we say, "Yes, you look fat," we are damned to possible solitary confinement and meals, and definite sexual embargos. Followed by the all-chilling, "You don't love me anymore." Guys, just don't give the wrong answer and follow days later, after leaving a movie, by saying, "Boy, that Scarlett Johansson is fine!"

Women, do you really think we know the difference between a size 4 and a size 12? We know what large is, we know what small is. We just barely started using the term "medium."

Why do you blame us when you're in labour with our child? You lit the candles, you put the music on and you told us to come and get it. You had to know this would happen.

Why ask us if we think your friends are hot? That's entrapment.

Guys: Reply with a straight face and say, "She's all-right looking," then look into her eyes, give her a big hug -- holding her tush -- and say, "You are the hottest one in the group, babe," then ask, "How is your mother?"

Why do women tell guys, "It's just between us," and then go out and tell all their friends? Is it because you've been in a carnal drought or because we've over-promised and under-delivered on our prowess? If you have to tell, why not go to confessional and tell the priest in the booth?

Why do women insist upon telling a guy they just met -- after spending the previous hour flirting with him -- "I am so drunk!" This isn't the '80s. One false read, one bad move and guys, you're in the city lockup, being labelled a sexual predator.

Why does a women insist upon telling her friends she is dating a guy when in reality she knows she is nothing more than a booty call? Dating involves movies, dinner, lunch and planned meetings with his friends. Not the surprise meeting where you're leaving a late-night movie on a bitter-cold, frozen, rain-filled Monday night and he stumbles, introducing you to a smirking buddy at the drive-thru.

Why do women like to talk after sex? During the daytime, OK. Late at night, after we've just put in great work, it's time to sleep. If you insist upon talking, maybe the act wasn't so good. What if the con-versation lasts longer, and is better than the act? At this point, the conversation is called damage control.

And the Oscar goes to (insert your name here if guilty): Women: Why, when we've just met and things are getting hot and heavy, do you really think we believe you when you say, "Oh my god, I've never done this before!" Or "This is so not like me." Or "This is the first time this has ever happened?"

Ladies, why do you want to spend the night? Is the walk of shame any different at 3 a.m. then it is at 8 a.m.? I would think the last thing you'd want is to be seen in the early morning with your evening clothes and last night's face on while order-ing a grande, quad, ristretto, non-fat, dry cappuccino.